Abida Mian's Blog

An outlier that's living, learning and being myself…

Quandary

Dear Dad,

It’s been nearly two years since I’ve last written to you. Perhaps this is batshit crazy as you don’t exist in the real world anymore, but you’re still very much in my thoughts. 

I came across this over Christmas, and took it back home with me. It was one of the last things you managed to write on a piece of paper in your hospital bed. 


Having seen all the wires and the tracheotomy tube in your windpipe preventing you from speaking, must have forced you to realise the end was near. Rather than despair, you calmly drew a computer and USB stick. We had no idea what you were telling us, until after you died, we found it in your desk draw, it had all your affairs in order, so mum would be looked after. That shows what an amazing person you were. Seeing that piece of paper no longer makes me cry but smile. I guess that indicates I’ve accepted you’re not coming back. It’s taken a longtime to get to this point.


Look who’s grown! The last time you saw your grandson, he was a few weeks from one years old. He’s certainly a character, stubborn just like you 🙂

I have to tell you something important. You’ll be pleased to know, I’m finally ready to move forwards in my life. I thought I’d met the right person, but he wasn’t ready for comittment, and I wasn’t willing to put my life on hold. Watching you die made me appreciate every moment. Now my boss (Indian background) whom I’ve grown fond of, advised me to not waste time and go on shaadi.com. I’m a little hesitant, but giving it some real consideration, perhaps you were right, sharing cultural values is important in a relationship for it to succeed longterm.

Wait though, there’s a curveball. A few years ago, I became good friends with a guy called Jesse. Nothing materialised because he was divorced and had children, we never even kissed, but we developed a strong friendship, periodically keeping in touch. Now, he calls me up drunk confessing he’s in love with me, and he knew that the first time he met me. He said he loves me so much that he remembers things that are important to me, like the date you died, my birthday. He even said he would be willing to convert to Islam if that’s what it took to win me over. We’re so very different in many respects (him not university educated for a start), yet close. Whatever path I choose, he said he will be supportive even if it’s being with someone else, all he wants is for me to be happy. He knows me being with him will upset a lot of people, that’s why he’s kept his distance. Not sure what to make of it. Can you love someone without ever even having kissed them?

He’s not what you had in mind for me. I carry the burden of knowing I’m responsible for stopping him from moving on in his life emotionally. I need you to guide me on the right thing to do. 

Writing this has helped me somewhat, but I need to sort my head out. Life is complicated right now!

Whereever you are dad, I do still very much love you. 

I will let you know what I decide.

Abida xxx

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