Abida Mian's Blog

An outlier that's living, learning and being myself…

Quora Question: I’m a married woman falling for my coworker. What should I do?

I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to answer your A2A. After deliberating, I’ve decided to go ahead and be candid with you.

I’m by no means perfect, but through my experiences I’ve managed to develop my emotional intelligence. This is what I’ve learnt about infidelity…

A couple of years ago, my former colleague asked me to stay behind after work. He locked the door, and asked me to stay seated while he told me something important. He found out that his longterm partner, and mother of his two children, had an affair with a neighbour. It’s fair to say he was devastated. This man was always strong-willed, but I witnessed him cry, and tell me that he had nothing to live for, that he wanted to kill himself. Thankfully, he didn’t, but I watched him turn into a shadow of his former self. Once highly career driven, he lost his ambition, and retired early. How is he years later? He’s lonely and fears letting another woman into his life. There are two loves in his life, his children and alcohol.

Next, my father’s first marriage collapsed when he found out she had an affair with his friend, a solicitor who he entrusted to look after his affairs, while he was abroad working to financially provide for his family. Like my former co-worker, my dad’s heart broke into tiny pieces. He didn’t look after himself, and also unfortunately contracted TB. In those days, he was quarantined in a hospital for a reasonable period of time. Unlike my former co-worker, he garnered the strength to try again and married my mum. So where’s the bad part? His first marriage ended in bitter divorce and custody battle of their daughter. Once inseparable, the father-daughter relationship collapsed, over his ex wife poisoning their daughters mind. They hadn’t been in touch for years. When my dad died, we were extremely sad that they never got the chance to make peace. His daughter is out there in the world not even knowing her father is dead. I know he loved her, sometimes I’d catch him with tears in his eyes, and he’d occasionally call me by her name. All the consequence of infidelity.

Now my turn. Someone I trusted, broke my heart. Like my former colleague & father, I was to learn how infidelity felt like. I suddenly lost confidence not only in others but most importantly myself. My self-esteem took a battering. I wouldn’t let any guy get too close, it took nearly two years to be able to be in a relationship. The poor guy had to work ten times harder to make me trust him.

Finally, you. I understand it’s easy to fall for people we work with; we spend more time with them than our partners. If I found myself not being able to exert self-control, like you, then I would question if there was something missing in my relationship. Remember this has the potential to change lives forever; your husband, and your coworkers wife, are there children involved? How would you feel if another woman knowingly went after your father, or sister’s husband, or your best female friend’s husband? Think about whether you take your career seriously. Do you value being respected by your coworkers, boss? I know, I do, my integrity is everything.

What should you do? If you’re wise, absolutely nothing, distance yourself from your coworker, and put some effort into your marriage. If it’s not working, then only get involved with another party once you are honest to your husband, and the man involved is honest with their wife.

It’s not for me to decide how you should live your life, just that a decent human being thinks of others, please be one of them.

(note: my intention is not to be bitchy, but if you read A2A’s from men & women that have been on the receiving end of infidelity, and still struggle to trust, you’ll understand why the issue of infidelity touches my heart).

Kind regards,




  dividinguplife wrote @

The problem with people that have affairs is that they always think they will never get caught. They also think that grass is greener when it comes time to leave the stability of what they have, for what they think they want.

Ten years ago I had an affair on my fiance after I found out he was cheating on me. Did I feel bad about it? Absolutely not. I’m one of those “You do to me and it will be done to you” kind of girls. Did he ever find out? No. He never did and he never will. Why didn’t I leave him? I don’t know. He was abusive and had put into my head that I would never find anyone like him, despite the fact that he cheated on me multiple times. After the fourth time, he threw me out and it was the best thing he could have ever done for me.

But affairs are tricky, tricky things. You start our discreet, then you get comfortable and you start slipping up, and then it cost the people you love, everything emotionally. And it almost never works out in the end for you and the one you’re knockin’ boots with.

  kensingtonabida wrote @

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Your ex certainly did you a massive favour, he sounded like a toxic person. I was devastated when I learnt someone cheated on me, but I walked away, eventhough he wanted to still try and keep me in his life. I understand why you cheated, you wanted to get back at him for hurting and betraying you. I hope you’ve found/will find someone deserving of you. Best wishes, xxx

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