Abida Mian's Blog

An outlier that's living, learning and being myself…

Quora Question: How happy would you feel to see someone you love from the bottom of your heart, happy and in peace in someone else’s arms?

I was in my early twenties, and my boss at the time introduced me to his best friend, he was adamant we were made for each other.

My boss arranged a barbecue party, it was a warm summers evening, and there was undeniable chemistry between his best friend and me. As the evening drew to a close, everyone had pretty much left, my boss passed out drunk indoors, just the two of us alone, we kissed on the roof terrace.

There after, we started dating. I was visibly happy, but then the cracks began to show. A few months prior to meeting me, he was in a longterm relationship. His ex decided to get back in touch, but I was aware of it, he’d told me. Uncomfortable with the situation, being young and passive, I was jealous, and cut him out of my life. They got back together.

Two years later, my old boss gets in touch with me out of the blue. He said he met up with someone we both knew, that wanted to see me again, it was his best friend. I was extremely cautious about letting him back into my life, but I met up with him, and the first thing I noticed was that he didn’t look well, very thin. I felt sorry for him, he told me that him and his girlfriend were finished for good. He found out she was messaging another guy off Facebook, and was always going out partying and leaving him behind.

This was my second chance, we could finally be together. Sadly, the ex came back like a boomerang. He felt sorry for her, as she had a tough upbringing, and despite her not treating him well, always stood up for her.

One day, my new boss sees that I had been crying. This boss I admired, because he’d been married for 20 years and would always give great relationship advice. I told him that as long as his ex existed, I’d always feel like I was on the outside looking in. I didn’t want to be second best. He told me that this guy wasn’t for me, because the sort of man I’m attracted to would be one that has self-respect, not someone that allows to be treated badly and takes it. He was absolutely right, I wanted a man that was soft but knew his self-worth, this one didn’t.

I wrote him a long email detailing my disappointment, and that I would be removing myself from the equation. Instead of constantly breaking up with his ex, he should either want to make it work or end it. He tried calling, emailing, and he turned up outside of my office, all attempts were ignored by me. I gave him two chances, he blew both, and it was over the same issue.

It was hard, because at the time, I was infatuated with him. I later learnt he married his ex, and that they have children. How did that make me feel? It’s a longtime ago, I heard they’re having marriage issues, but I genuinely wish him well, and I imagine he’d be a great father. The truth, I guess him accepting her flaws was true love. Who was I to get in the way of that…

It took a good couple of years before I could date anyone again, but in time, I realised there were other men that were better in terms of compatible personalities. That’s why I don’t believe there’s only one person in the world that’s right, there are many, you just have to be lucky enough to find one of them that likes you back. One day I hope that will happen to me 🙂

Thanks for the A2A, Nikhil

Kind regards,

Abi

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