Abida Mian's Blog

An outlier that's living, learning and being myself…

Quora Question: Why did you leave your spouse or date due his/her illness?If you have not been in this situation, then which illness would make you leave the spouse/date ?

Dear Nitin,

Thanks for the A2A.

My father’s health deteriorated slowly over the course of a year before he passed away.

My mother was exceptional during this period, a lot of the things he used to be able to do, he couldn’t. At the same time, in addition to complications with his lungs, he also developed problems with his prostrate. Men of that generation found it hard to talk about it. My mum would have to help insert a catheter when his bladder needed to be emptied.

It takes a lot of love and patience to look after someone that has an illness. My dad wasn’t always a great patient, he didn’t complain when he was unwell, which made it harder on my mum. Sometimes his frustration would make him withdrawn/short tempered. I found it hard to see the vacant expression in his eyes, I could feel his suffering, but I couldn’t make him better.

I dated two guys. One had severe facial disfigurement and the other was infertile. I was desperate for children, both didn’t want kids cramping their lifestyle. I would have gladly opted to adopt. Their ‘problems’ didn’t stop me wanting to be with them, we just didn’t share the same outlook.

When I went through a period of depression after my dad died, that ’emotional illness’ made it extremely difficult for anyone to become close to me. I was too absorbed in my own problems to notice anyone around me. I admit I was a hard person to love, those that tried to date me gave up, but thankfully, the friends that truly did love me persevered, wanting to make me happy.

In answer to your question, I wouldn’t leave someone I loved because of any illness, no matter how tough it got. But that’s just me. I wouldn’t want to judge anyone that does, because having seen it first hand with my father, it’s incredibly challenging both mentally & physically. It can be a heavy burden to cope with. I guess it just comes down to one’s strength of character.



Note: I have a pretty good memory, and remembered you from a comment you wrote on one of my answers. I rummaged through and found it, you wrote:

“My ex left me because I had a small hiatal hernia. Welcome to the real world”

I guess this is why you are posting this question. I’m sorry she left you. I wish I could offer you some comforting words. Rather than agonise over the reasons why, move on to find someone that’s compassionate.


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