Abida Mian's Blog

An outlier that's living, learning and being myself…

Archive for Love

Protected: Quora: What is a controversial topic that isn’t openly discussed amongst those of Indian & Pakistani heritage?

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Quora Question: The only woman I’ve ever fell for doesn’t want me. How can I make her feel like I do?

I’ve been crazy about this woman for years, we went on a few dates, but then she became distant and I had to push to get her to see me. Now she says I shouldn’t put my life on hold, as she’s not ready for anything. I don’t like any other woman. I tried turning up at her work, her home, but she gets really awkward. Do women like persistence?

Dear Anonymous,

Whoa there, you turned up at her work and home unannounced, do you think this is normal behaviour?

Now I’ve scolded you for that, let’s get to the crux of your dilemma. I’m going to let you into a secret women won’t tell you. If she really likes a guy, she will continue to go on dates with him, period. If after a few, you don’t hear from her, it’s means she’s not particularly interested in pursuing things further. Women find being direct hard, because they don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, so they withdraw and hope they pick up on the signals.

It seems some men confuse this ‘take a hint’ lack of interest signal as ‘she wants me to chase her’

It’s possible that if you pursue intently enough, she may fall for you, but be warned, the attraction element maybe missing, and it becomes a one-sided relationship.

Kudos to her for being straight with you after a couple of dates. Rather than string you along further, she told you to not wait for her

Being pushy and not respecting her decision is one thing, but stalking her at work & where she lives is damn right disgraceful. Pull your socks up, and listen up dude, stop thinking you know what’s best for her. She knows her own mind, and wants to move on, you’re not right for her. It’s a hard part of life realising that the people we fall for don’t always feel the same way. You can’t control or make feelings happen for her. 

You’re contradicting yourself by saying that no other woman makes you feel the way she does. If that were true, then shoe on the other foot, if a woman liked you, but you had no desire to forge a future together, it would be OK for her to harass you without your consent?

Someone has to tell you straight for fear that you will get yourself into a lot of trouble. There’s a fine line between showing keenness and becoming obcessed. Do you want her to get a restraining order, because that’s where you’re heading sunshine. 

Take my advice, as a woman who’s had to deal with men like you, including ex’s I haven’t seen in many years, who think it’s ok to keep my number and send me random messages. This is what you do:

  • Delete her number and any other contact info from your phone
  • Delete any past email correspondence between you
  • Keep your mind preoccupied, so you don’t ‘online stalk her’ by looking at her social media accounts
  • Never turn up to a woman’s place of work or residence unannounced
  • Take time out and pursue interests 
  • Don’t whine or mope around, deal with it and start dating again

Contrary to this widely held delusional belief that there’s only one person you’ll ever fall for, the reality is that it’s simply bull s***!

My dad re-married my mum after having his heart broken, and he admitted he was extremely lucky to find such a warm loving person. My brother broke up with his ex of five years, but went on to marry the only woman that I considered a complete package for him. There are other people out there…

For God’s sake, have an ounce of self-respect. If you really love someone, you will sacrifice your own happiness for theirs, even if it means they are with someone else. Life’s too short to chase after something that only exists in your mind and not theirs…

Best wishes,

Abi 

Quora Question: Please help, I feel like I’m never going to be as important to my girlfriend as her ex.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three and a half years. Her previous relationship was with her first ever boyfriend. He split up with her, and broke her heart, but they still keep in touch. I know I will never replace the love she feels for her ex, it makes me feel insecure 😦 

My Answer:

Oh dear 😦 I can certainly relate to how you’re feeling.

The first person I fell really strongly for was over a decade ago. He came out of a longterm relationship, but to my discomfort also kept in touch with his ex. I will throw him a bone, he was always honest about it. I split up with him over it, then they got back together. A few years later they split again, and he intently pursued me saying he never forgot how kind I was. Anyway, his ex started contacting him again, and that was it, I walked away. 

Funny thing was the reason he split with her first time was because she was messaging other men on Facebook. Second time, she treated him like dirt in front of her friends. I don’t like a man or woman to have no self-respect, it’s the number one most unattractive trait a potential partner can have. He was letting her treat him badly.

Despite this, they ended up getting married and having children. I heard from a mutual friend, who doesn’t like her, that she still makes him unhappy at times, but do you know what, I never once was jealous. Sure, I was hurt, more about feeling used, but if being with his ex is what made him happy, then good luck to him. He has his family. 

In certain circumstances, if a couple splits and they either have children, or the relationship wasn’t working for both of them, then remaining in contact as friends is fine. There’s no threat to subsequent new partners for both of them.

Clearly in your case, your girlfriend still holds a candle for her ex. A decent person would cut contact and move on with their lives, and show some respect to their new partner. No one wants to be second option, in case her ex decides he wants her back. Then you’re dropped like a sack of potatoes. Nah, no thanks, is what you should be thinking. I’ve met both guys and girls like this, and they’re what I call emotionally unavailable.

She may not be intentionally using you, but be cautious. Tell her honestly how insecure she is making you feel. If she disregards your feelings, move on.

No one wants to date someone who’s not over their ex years later! People like that are selfish in my opinion. Don’t feel sad, I would rather be you than her pining after a guy, who lets be honest if he really wanted to be with her would. She’s delusional, if her ex really loved her, would he split from her for years? 

She shouldn’t be in a relationship until she’s ready! If you’re really in love with your ex still, would you be f***ing another person in the meantime? No, you’d stay celibate, that’s a test of real love. 

Golden rule in life, never bring s*** to anyone’s doorstep, it’s an incredibly unkind thing to do.

There are loads of lovely girls in the world that will treat you better, go find one…

Best wishes,

Abi x

Quora Question: Am I ready for marriage if I didn’t succumb to temptation?

Him: I’ve been in a year and a half relationship with my girlfriend. I’m 46. A few weeks ago I met a random girl, she invited me back to hers. We passionately kissed and played with each other, but didn’t get an erection. I think that must mean my mind was telling me I love my girlfriend? Is this true?

My answer:

Good grief Anonymous, you’re 46! When I saw the A2A, I expected this dilemma to be one of a young man in his teens/20’s. By the time you’re 30 and beyond, most people have had enough relationship/life experience to have been there/done that, to have not gotten themselves in this situation.

Ok, you asked for it:

If you were at the stage of marrying your girlfriend this is what would happen:

Hot girl flirts with you, obviously you’re flattered, but you respond, ‘thanks, but I’ve got a girlfriend.’ Finished.

By accepting her invitation, you are now crossing the boundaries of your monogamous relationship. There is clear intent on your part, no one is pointing a gun to your head.

– Scenario 1: you get to her door, but freak out, and call it off.

– Scenario 2: you enter her place, but get uncomfortable before you begin to ‘play’ with her. You leave.

Those two scenarios could at the very least salvage your relationship. You were tempted, but didn’t follow through.

How people define infidelity is subjective. Some men and women would say kissing is cheating, others would be less strict, and say only applies for intercourse.

What really struck me about your A2A?

You missed integral words out. Where is ‘guilt’, ‘shame’, ‘girlfriend’s feelings’ mentioned in your comment? I pay particular attention to the way someone writes. If they can’t authentically express their emotions, then to me that speaks volumes.

Perhaps, I’m being unfair, because you may simply not be that great at articulating your emotions.

However what you did include was the word ‘passionately’. I’m presuming, you were attracted to this woman, having ‘played’ with each other (let’s not be shy, this involved the genitals?) What you failed to mention was whether your erectile dysfunction was a consequence of performance anxiety (she was hot), or you suddenly came to your senses and realised you loved your girlfriend, and couldn’t follow through?

Moving forwards:

Your actions have eroded trust and security. Your girlfriend asks, “so did you have a good evening?” You: “not really, I was working late, then had a few drinks with friends.”

You need to work on intimacy in your relationship first, that’s lacking, before you even consider being in a position to consider marriage. Not for you, but most importantly for your girlfriend’s sake.

If failing to get an erection for another woman is how you define being ready for marriage, then you sure set the bench mark low. Quite frankly, she deserves better.

Quora Question: What is the difference between the right guy and true love?My bf has everything that I ever wanted in a man, personality and looks. He respects me a lot yet I don’t feel comfortable enough around him. Why is that? I can’t speak to him openly though he does. Do I not love him even though I know he is the right guy?

Honestly. I think you’re lucky. You have what most of us would love in a partner. Personality, looks, respect and openness. That’s the holy grail 🙂

Why don’t you feel comfortable being yourself with him? Are you scared of true intimacy? Letting yourself go? Letting him get close enough to know your fears and insecurities?

How do you know if it’s true love?

Do you think about him when you’re apart?

How would you feel if he cheated on you?

How would you feel if you never saw him again?

Do you make an effort in the relationship?

Does he make you happy?

Do you make him happy?

Do you want to be with anyone else?

Physical intimacy: is there chemistry, or do you feel like you’re going through the motions?

I don’t know your age, but could you imagine spending the rest of your life with him, and having a family?

Do you want the samethings?

Do you share the same values?

Could you imagine anyone better than him?

Is he more than just a good friend?

Anyone that I let into my life, those are the questions I ask myself.

Benefit of years of being scared to be open, is that I’m now the opposite. If that person wants to ask me any question, I will happily give them a truthful answer. Whether it’s fear of letting him in, or not being in love with him, that’s really only a question you can answer, and not one I would wish to influence in anyway.

I hope you figure out what it is that you want. Think about it carefully though, guys like this, particularly ones that can openly communicate are rare. Give it time before making any rash decision.

I’ll leave you with something to ponder on. Anyone can be with the ‘right guy’, but true love is unconditional. If I met him, he would be someone, I would put before myself. I’d always want the best for him…

Best,

Abi

Quora Question: How do I visit my girlfriend in long distance relationship if her parents are against it?We’ve known each other for ages and since then we’ve been talking every day, we get along so well, it breaks our heart not to see eachother that often. I’ve first met her in March in Easter vacations as I saved up enough for the plane.

Him: Thing is, she lives in another country and her parents don’t know english, and they say this relationship is a mistake doing everything they can to make our lives a living hell. As she’s still 17, we’d have to wait till next April although I’d really love if I could make her a suprise this summer, I just don’t know what they might do. They even got her a job for the whole summer so she won’t have that much free time..Help would be much appreciated!

(I’m 19, we’ve been dating for little over 8 months now, we skype, call, text everyday)

My answer:

“I know in my heart that I’ll never find someone as perfect as her, and she knows it too, everything would be perfect without them”

I’m not going to put a dampener on your relationship. Deep down, I’m a sucker for romance.

Don’t be too hard on her parents. I know it’s incredibly frustrating, but like you said, they don’t speak English, and as far as they’re concerned you’re a stranger living in a different country. That’s their daughter. They’re just being protective parents. Oh s***, just realised I’m getting old talking like this 🙂

Seriously though, long distance is a challenge, particularly at your age. However, if you really do think she’s the best thing that’s happened to you, then be smart. Don’t antagonise her parents. Play the long game. Over time, they may come to realise that you’re serious. You can’t wish for her parents to not be a part of her life, that is unlikely to happen, and is not something someone who loves her would want.

There’s not much you can do until she’s independent, living her own life. In the meantime, just keep the momentum going, continue chatting everyday. Even if her parents got her a job, still go and see her. I’m sure she could spare sometime, however short that is. When you’re crazy about someone, every second with them counts.

Thanks for the A2A.

Good luck,

Abi

Quora Question: Do you believe in love at first sight?

I’m a deep thinker and follow my head rather than heart, so my personal answer to this question is a resounding NO!

How on earth can anyone seriously say that after just looking at someone for the first time, they knew it was love?

However, I do believe in attraction/lust at first sight. I’ve only ever experienced this with two guys in my life. What was it like? When our eyes first met, the intense feeling of attraction struck me like a flash of lightening, followed by butterflies in the tummy whenever I thought about them. Did it work out. No. I didn’t love either of them, because they were missing having the sort of personality I was attracted to.

If a guy tells me that he fell in love the first time he saw me, I’d think he needs to get himself out of the time warp that is his fickle teenage mind and grow up 🙂

True love must be grown from the heart, from trust, admiration and kindness. It takes time to cultivate not mere seconds.

Don’t get me wrong. I love romance. If you experience that electric feeling “lust at first sight”, and it develops into a long-term relationship, that relationship has a greater chance of achieving better quality.

As I’ve gotten older, I’m not concerned about whether I will experience “lust at first sight” again. Positive first impressions are great, but that sort of feeling is not profound enough yet for me to know if he’s the one. For me, love is gradual, it’s all about falling in love with personality first, because that’s harder to find. I’ve only ever been in love once. That was with a guy that had severe facial disfigurement. He really got deep inside my heart. Even when you do find it, love alone won’t be enough. At the end of the day, looks/personality/love means absolutely nothing without shared values & outlook (that’s the bit that takes time to figure out); it’s all about long-term compatibility, that is the truth…