Before I begin, I want to make clear that apart from this one time, I would never get up and leave without good reason. Even most recently when one of my colleagues went to the trouble of organising a night at the opera, everyone else bailed during various stages of the performance, but I stayed for the duration. When my colleague asked if I would go too, I simply told him that although it was an awful play giving me a migraine, I wasn’t abandoning him.
Anyone that has been on an internet date can relate to the issues that arise when meeting a stranger for the first time. This goes back years ago, I was 20, and had joined match.com. At that point, I was incredibly shy, never had a boyfriend before. My profile had respectable photos of me, and I made the effort of writing more than a few lines.
This man sends me a message, we communicate back and forth (nothing remotely suggestive), and eventually plan to meet up. It transpired that we lived two streets away from each other, so we met at a pub mid-way between us. I don’t drink alcohol, but he offers to buy me an orange juice, we sit and chat. At first he appears charming, confident, chatty, the complete opposite to me at that age. He proceeds to drink a few beers. Then randomly the conversation takes a turn. Him: “Drink up, let’s go back to mine.” Me (nervous): “I think that’s far too soon, I don’t know you at all.” Him: “If you don’t come back, don’t expect a second date.”
Wow! What an arrogant, obnoxious twat. I calmly got up, took £10 out of my purse and put it on the table (I didn’t want to “owe” him anything). I walked out. Funny thing was, he tried to contact me again, but his attempts were ignored.
Even a few years ago, he sent me a message, I didn’t even read it. Despite all those years that had passed, first impressions count, and my memory hadn’t forgotten him.
There’s a twist to the story, which was to make my skin crawl.
Four years ago, I was reading the newspaper, there was an article on him. He had been convicted of raping women (spanning years – one brave woman who he assaulted came forward, others were too scared initially, but then followed suit) and was jailed for life. It came as a shock, because this guy had it all, a lifestyle most would envy. A banker, earning six figures, his own home in a nice area. Yet, he had a dark side, controlling women to think they were beneath him.
I honestly didn’t think he was capable of that, but why would I? Despite the naivety of my youth, thank god, I didn’t drink alcohol, and had enough self-respect to instinctively walk away when someone spoke to me like he was in charge.
Be careful of meeting strangers, always tell a friend whom you’re meeting, and don’t get yourself drunk that you’re in a vulnerable position. I read recently that a teacher was murdered last year by their match date!
Quora Question: The only woman I’ve ever fell for doesn’t want me. How can I make her feel like I do?
I’ve been crazy about this woman for years, we went on a few dates, but then she became distant and I had to push to get her to see me. Now she says I shouldn’t put my life on hold, as she’s not ready for anything. I don’t like any other woman. I tried turning up at her work, her home, but she gets really awkward. Do women like persistence?
Whoa there, you turned up at her work and home unannounced, do you think this is normal behaviour?
Now I’ve scolded you for that, let’s get to the crux of your dilemma. I’m going to let you into a secret women won’t tell you. If she really likes a guy, she will continue to go on dates with him, period. If after a few, you don’t hear from her, it’s means she’s not particularly interested in pursuing things further. Women find being direct hard, because they don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, so they withdraw and hope they pick up on the signals.
It seems some men confuse this ‘take a hint’ lack of interest signal as ‘she wants me to chase her’
It’s possible that if you pursue intently enough, she may fall for you, but be warned, the attraction element maybe missing, and it becomes a one-sided relationship.
Kudos to her for being straight with you after a couple of dates. Rather than string you along further, she told you to not wait for her.
Being pushy and not respecting her decision is one thing, but stalking her at work & where she lives is damn right disgraceful. Pull your socks up, and listen up dude, stop thinking you know what’s best for her. She knows her own mind, and wants to move on, you’re not right for her. It’s a hard part of life realising that the people we fall for don’t always feel the same way. You can’t control or make feelings happen for her.
You’re contradicting yourself by saying that no other woman makes you feel the way she does. If that were true, then shoe on the other foot, if a woman liked you, but you had no desire to forge a future together, it would be OK for her to harass you without your consent?
Someone has to tell you straight for fear that you will get yourself into a lot of trouble. There’s a fine line between showing keenness and becoming obcessed. Do you want her to get a restraining order, because that’s where you’re heading sunshine.
Take my advice, as a woman who’s had to deal with men like you, including ex’s I haven’t seen in many years, who think it’s ok to keep my number and send me random messages. This is what you do:
- Delete her number and any other contact info from your phone
- Delete any past email correspondence between you
- Keep your mind preoccupied, so you don’t ‘online stalk her’ by looking at her social media accounts
- Never turn up to a woman’s place of work or residence unannounced
- Take time out and pursue interests
- Don’t whine or mope around, deal with it and start dating again
Contrary to this widely held delusional belief that there’s only one person you’ll ever fall for, the reality is that it’s simply bull s***!
My dad re-married my mum after having his heart broken, and he admitted he was extremely lucky to find such a warm loving person. My brother broke up with his ex of five years, but went on to marry the only woman that I considered a complete package for him. There are other people out there…
For God’s sake, have an ounce of self-respect. If you really love someone, you will sacrifice your own happiness for theirs, even if it means they are with someone else. Life’s too short to chase after something that only exists in your mind and not theirs…
In all seriousness, I still very rarely find that many men in the public eye attractive. Beauty is subjective, and my tastes are eclectic. Unlike most men who can just look at a woman and be instantly attracted, my brain doesn’t seem to work that way!
Personality (when someone I rate is smart & highly likeable) is a must that alone will suffice, but without that a man’s exterior is irrelevant.
Drum roll, please 😉
There can be only one. My chosen man has all of the good personality traits that I value. He’s not some hunky A-lister and neither does he belong to a boyband.
However, for once, I think I won’t be alone in my choice, I imagine this guy has captivated many women across the world.
He’s smart (degree in engineering)
He’s taught children Maths
He’s humble (he handed out winter coats to Syrian refugees)
He’s gorgeous (I can’t deny that)
He’s got charisma
He’s really good at Bhangra dancing
He’s very likeable
Who thought politics could make me so hot under the collar. He’s the world’s sexiest leader hands down.
It’s Justin Trudeau, Canada’s Prime minister.
What makes someone handsome is the complete package of beauty & brains, it’s not all about flexing your muscles (stop showing off Justin, we know you have a hot body!), we want more than just a pretty face.
Thanks for the A2A.
Quora Question: Please help, I feel like I’m never going to be as important to my girlfriend as her ex.
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three and a half years. Her previous relationship was with her first ever boyfriend. He split up with her, and broke her heart, but they still keep in touch. I know I will never replace the love she feels for her ex, it makes me feel insecure 😦
Oh dear 😦 I can certainly relate to how you’re feeling.
The first person I fell really strongly for was over a decade ago. He came out of a longterm relationship, but to my discomfort also kept in touch with his ex. I will throw him a bone, he was always honest about it. I split up with him over it, then they got back together. A few years later they split again, and he intently pursued me saying he never forgot how kind I was. Anyway, his ex started contacting him again, and that was it, I walked away.
Funny thing was the reason he split with her first time was because she was messaging other men on Facebook. Second time, she treated him like dirt in front of her friends. I don’t like a man or woman to have no self-respect, it’s the number one most unattractive trait a potential partner can have. He was letting her treat him badly.
Despite this, they ended up getting married and having children. I heard from a mutual friend, who doesn’t like her, that she still makes him unhappy at times, but do you know what, I never once was jealous. Sure, I was hurt, more about feeling used, but if being with his ex is what made him happy, then good luck to him. He has his family.
In certain circumstances, if a couple splits and they either have children, or the relationship wasn’t working for both of them, then remaining in contact as friends is fine. There’s no threat to subsequent new partners for both of them.
Clearly in your case, your girlfriend still holds a candle for her ex. A decent person would cut contact and move on with their lives, and show some respect to their new partner. No one wants to be second option, in case her ex decides he wants her back. Then you’re dropped like a sack of potatoes. Nah, no thanks, is what you should be thinking. I’ve met both guys and girls like this, and they’re what I call emotionally unavailable.
She may not be intentionally using you, but be cautious. Tell her honestly how insecure she is making you feel. If she disregards your feelings, move on.
No one wants to date someone who’s not over their ex years later! People like that are selfish in my opinion. Don’t feel sad, I would rather be you than her pining after a guy, who lets be honest if he really wanted to be with her would. She’s delusional, if her ex really loved her, would he split from her for years?
She shouldn’t be in a relationship until she’s ready! If you’re really in love with your ex still, would you be f***ing another person in the meantime? No, you’d stay celibate, that’s a test of real love.
Golden rule in life, never bring s*** to anyone’s doorstep, it’s an incredibly unkind thing to do.
There are loads of lovely girls in the world that will treat you better, go find one…
I imagine most people fear death – pain/suffering, non existence. It is human nature to want to understand and make sense of the world around us, but death can never be fully understood by anyone. It’s the greatest unknown.
But that’s not mine. There’s something worse than that:
“The fear of losing my mind is my greatest fear”
There was an elderly married couple I knew through work. They’d come and see me every month for the past eight years. She was from Belgium, him British. Always well dressed, old school money, lived in Knightsbridge. The wife wore the trousers, super smart (spoke several languages), meticulous, her memory was superb. Although we were from different worlds, she was never snooty. Refreshingly, very down to earth, direct at times, but I admired her head strong nature.
Over time we became close, she would always ask about my family, worry that I was looking too thin, and would tell me that I looked beautiful when I didn’t try too hard. I found her to be very caring. Despite her privileged life, there was great sadness in her heart. As her confidence in me grew, she told me that she had a son but they hadn’t spoken in years, he lived abroad with his wife and children. The quarrel was over money, he stole a substantial amount from them, and scarpered. She tried to reach out to him, but she felt that they were missing the mother-son relationship, because he was raised by a nanny.
The nicest thing she ever said to me was that she wished I was her daughter. A couple of months after my dad died, her husband died too. At the time, I was grieving, I didn’t see it, but in hindsight the signs were there, her mind was gradually deteriorating. Her behaviour was odd, she started to miss things that she would never have done before. She’d open her bag lots of times, take things out then put back in. There was a lot of cash in her bag, when I asked her why she carried thousands of pounds, her answer was that she lost trust in the bank. I feared her getting mugged.
At first, I assumed she had dementia, but it progressed to paranoia when she thought that everybody in her life was trying to kill her. That included her neighbours, her doctor, my colleagues, the only person she trusted bizarrely was me. I listened to her and became increasingly disturbed. How could someone who was one of the brightest women I’d ever met change so drastically?
Everyone dismissed her as a crazy woman, but I had known the ‘real’ her for years. I didn’t like her being referred to as such. Alarm bells rang when I could see bruises on her frail skeletal body. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten. After seeing her I had tears running down my cheeks, people told me to not get affected, because she was old (late 70’s) and it was just a part of life that she would die.
I didn’t sleep well that night. Her husband had gone, her son abandoned her, and she had no other family she spoke of. She was all alone. It played heavily on my conscience, how could I turn my back on her? Just because she was old didn’t mean she shouldn’t be allowed dignity and respect like everyone else. I took the next day off work, and went to see her. Her paranoia was so bad that she thought the people that were trying to kill her bugged her mobile & landline.
I waited for sometime before she eventually answered the door to me. Over the next couple of weeks, I would help with her shopping, take her for coffee. I was convinced if I tried hard enough, I could get through to her, somewhere deep down, she would talk to me in the way she once did. Sadly, she kept talking about things that made no sense. There was a brief moment when she recalled my nephew’s age. Her memory was still there locked away deep inside.
I pleaded with her to get a carer or go to a private care home, although she valued her independence, stubborningly so, it was clear she wasn’t well enough to look after herself. If she had an accident, I wasn’t there to check on her. The thought of her suffering in silence scared me. I was to betray her wishes, but it wasn’t as easy as I imagined it would be to get someone sectioned. I tried but to no avail.
She died not long after. It was heartbreaking to watch her decline into someone almost unrecognisable. I confided in no one that I went to check on her. I take some comfort in knowing that although she may have felt alone in her mind, there was someone that shed tears in her memory…
Love you Nella.
You see without my mind, I have lost my self-identity, losing connection with everyone & everything around me. That for me means ‘Abi’ has already gone.