Abida Mian's Blog
An outlier that's living, learning and being myself…Archive for relationships
Quora Question: I am a Hindu in love with a Muslim girl. She wants me to convert. I love her a lot but don’t want to accept Islam. What should I do?
Obviously I can’t tell you what decision you should make, but I can offer you some guidance.
Life experience shapes who you are:
Most people assume given my name and parental heritage, I’m a Muslim. Truth is, I was born and brought up in a rural village as the only ethnic minority family, apart from my parents & brothers, everyone else was Caucasian. There were no mosques.
My father survived the partition as a young child; his witnessing of death, including that of his childhood Sikh friend by the hands of Muslims changed his perspective on religion. He saw the ugly side of all religions (Hindus, Muslims and Sikhs all fighting). He still retained his faith, for him the thought of Allah existed very much in his heart, but he didn’t believe it was necessary to have to follow the daily traditions and pray/go to mosque. Instead he spent his life doing charitable things. When his younger cousin came to the UK to study, my father was a young graduate in his first job, but every month he would give him money to help him out. Never once did he ask for his cousin to repay his debt. He also went on to buy computers for the school in the Pakistani village he was brought up in, and sent money to a widowed woman who needed Hepatitis medication.
As a parent, his philosophy was that his children were to integrate and respect the religious faith of the country they were to be brought up in. We celebrated Christmas, Easter, I would sing in the choir. Then one day, I was to make my father very angry. He found out that I’d stopped going to morning assembly for prayers. He asked me to go to my room and come out when I realised what I’d done wrong. I was at a difficult age intellectually and emotionally. My passion was Science, my understanding was that there no valid evidence proving the existence of God; so there was no reason to believe. However, I realised after sitting in complete silence for over an hour, regardless of what I believed, what I was lacking in was humility. I was able to figure out his anger, it wasn’t my lack of belief, it was my arrogance to not want to understand & learn why religion is important to others.
The first time I stepped into a mosque was for my dad’s funeral. It was one of the hardest days of my life thus far. I couldn’t read the Quran, my brothers were in a separate room, and as a woman I couldn’t be present for his burial. An elderly woman who was a complete stranger was sat next to me in the mosque. She assumed I couldn’t understand Punjabi, but she made a rather crass comment about my sister-in law (White/English) that a White woman shouldn’t be allowed in a mosque. If someone had said that about me in a Church, you could imagine the outrage, how was this any different to being racist? That’s when I realised that being religious doesn’t make you a better person or give you the right to judge others. My sister in-law was wearing a head scarf paying her respects and mourning the loss of her father-in law. I too witnessed the ugly side of religion, where’s the humanity, tolerance for other human beings?
Conversion:
Religion and spirituality is a very personal thing. I’m not going to suddenly start believing in God/Gods, just because my partner does. I’ll certainly respect their faith, and I’d be fine with altering my diet or lifestyle to make them more comfortable, but my beliefs won’t be changing. Isn’t it illogical to expect someone to believe in something they don’t? Similarly, I wouldn’t dream of giving any man an ultimatum of “it’s either a life with me or a life with your faith, you can’t have both.” Who the hell do I think I am telling someone how they should think?
One of the people I love most in this world is my best friend; in fact, I’d go as far as saying she’s my sister. She’s a devout Hindu. If there was a choice between her and me living, I would sacrifice my life. I’d give up eating beef, and I’d be happy to celebrate religious festivals with her, but I wouldn’t convert for her.
To me being in a relationship doesn’t mean abandoning your sense of individuality. To be a genuine Muslim must come from the heart (exactly in the same way you feel as a Hindu), true conversion can only be done out of love for Allah. I know the difference between when someone loves you unconditionally, and when someone loves you only when you’re the way they want you to be.
My favourite quote from Gandhi: “Religions are different roads converging to the same point. What does it matter that we take a different road, so long as we reach the same goal. Wherein is the cause for quarreling?”
Make what you will of my answer…
Thank you for the thought provoking A2A.
Best wishes,
Abi
Quora Question: How can I make my boyfriend more classy and modern?
Her: My boyfriend of 6 mth. comes from a lower middle-class family, but for the past 2 years has been earning a huge package at a big firm. Still, he has some irritating habits: making small talk with rickshaw, taxiwallas and waiters; roadside chai; no knowledge of brands and being fine with any outfit.
My answer:
“He makes small talks with rickshaw, taxi wallers, even waiters, has roadside chai, has no knowledge of brands & is fine with any outfit”
Good grief woman, when I read your predicament with your boyfriend, within a fraction of a second there was only one conclusion I made:
He’s awesome, will he marry me!
You are a very lucky woman. He has it all, I would be proud to have such a grounded boyfriend. Good manners and respect for others is priceless, no amount of money can buy you that. He’s gold dust!
Being successful does not give you the right to degrade others you feel are ‘less worthy’ of his respect. These rickshaw drivers, taxi wallers, waiters are human beings who are hard-working, their success isn’t measured by how much money they earn.
One of my neighbours is worth £50 million, he doesn’t wear labels, and chats to everyone, I must feel privileged that he takes his time to talk to ‘poor neighbour’ me, and even God forbid the cleaner. Next time I see him, I will tell him not to talk to me, because otherwise that would mean he’s not classy. He suffers from the same ‘flaw’ as your boyfriend; both being genuinely authentic.
May I ask, what is it that you do? While he’s working his way up the ladder, one day, he may decide that he wants to ‘trade’ up to a more beautiful, successful, kinder woman, befitting to his ever burgeoning ‘classy’ status. How do you feel about that?
“he comes from a ‘lower’ middle class family”: this is another problem with your attitude right here. I think he’s a credit to his family. Unless you can appreciate him for the gem of a guy he is, then do him a favour, don’t turn him into a snob. He already exudes class. I can bet your bottom dollar, he won’t be single for long!
Quora Question: Why are some women okay with being the other woman?
For years, I’d go and have lunch at this cafe. The guy who ran it would know me by name, and we’d often chat about life. He was married with four children.
One day we were talking about my dating experiences, and out of the blue he tells me his dark secret. He’s Muslim and he got married very young (both husband & wife were chaste). About ten years ago, he started to have affairs. “Abi, the other women I chose were desperate for a man. The type who weren’t particularly pretty, single mums, you know the ones, definitely the opposite of you. The other women (more than one) would know the rules. Don’t call me during family time, no weekends and no texting.” The only problem was a few of the women fell in love with him. One proceeded to find out where he lived, and posted a letter addressed to his wife describing in detail what they’d been up to. “Abi, I didn’t love any of these women, they just served a purpose, I would never leave my wife, I love her. At first she showed me her hurt and tears, then over time she learnt to turn a blind eye.”
I felt sick to my stomach. That just blew my perception of him as a family man into smitherenes. Never in a million years would I have deemed him capable of this. Does he think his wife’s heart is made of stone? I knew when I found out someone was cheating on me instantaneously it was over, it would have drove me to the depths of insanity if I’d have turned a blind eye. It’s hard to show compassion to the other women, were they devoid of any self-respect, willing to let him degrade them as nothing more than a piece of flesh. How did those women justify the hurt they’d caused his wife and children? The sheer spitefulness of one woman writing his wife a letter detailing his betrayal. I have to remind myself that these women have emotions and that in the end they suffered too.
It went beyond the realms of comprehension. My heart went to his wife, I imagine it’s culture, and love of her family that keeps her from leaving him. There are times in life you appreciate not being married, I couldn’t ever imagine for one second stepping into her shoes. As for him loving his wife, I’m afraid we must have a different understanding of the word. Love to me is putting the other person before us, protecting them from pain. I think he’s cruel beyond words, mentally torturing the woman that bore him four beautiful children. Sad to think this is the only love from him she’ll know. Oh what a brave, strong woman she must be…
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