Abida Mian's Blog

An outlier that's living, learning and being myself…

Protected: Quora: What is a controversial topic that isn’t openly discussed amongst those of Indian & Pakistani heritage?

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Move on…

I know you’ll be reading this. I have to put my side across, because it’s getting to the point where I don’t think I know how to help you. I feel I’m being harassed and want to be left alone.

When I met you at university all those years ago, you came across as a reasonable intelligent man. I hope you will find it in your heart to realise this persistence is scaring me.

Conducting my life as an honest, decent person is important to me. I wish no bad feelings, but please show me some respect.

I hadn’t seen you since 18, then suddenly out of the blue over the past three years, I’ve had to plead with you to let this obsession with me go. You deliberately found where I worked and started watching me, waiting until I was on my own. I told you on numerous occasions to stop, but to no avail. That day you followed me on the bus, those two guys told you to stop. That didn’t deter you, neither did me telling you I would inform the police next time you came back, you disregarded my wishes.

I’ve done everything I could to be kind and sensitive to your feelings, the last thing I would want is to see you get into trouble, but I’m seriously concerned about you. Even when you finally promised you’d stop, guess what?, you continued yet again! Are you not a man of your word?

Do you want a restraining order? Your behaviour is nothing short of stalking. I would never dream of subjecting anyone to the fear this evokes. I don’t know what it is about me that makes you behave in this manner, but I must ask that you move on with your life. If a man was doing this to your sister would you find it acceptable?

You think I’m the only progressive woman of Asian heritage, but it’s simply not true. There are so many wonderful women that are far more beautiful & smarter in the world, fixation over me is unnerving and unnecessary.

Listen to me. When you put someone on a pedestal, it doesn’t leave much room for the inevitable flaws that all humans have. For any relationship to work, it needs both a man and woman to put in 50/50. When it’s clear that a woman says No, men assume that if they persist they will finally win her over, but when a woman genuinely wants to be with a man they will, no life circumstances will stop her from being apart from him. Men that believe otherwise are delusional. They also show clearly they don’t respect a woman’s decision.

When its clear, as in this case – that you would and I wont, then you have to accept it wouldn’t have worked anyway. That doesn’t mean I think you’re some monster. I’m sure you have a lot to offer the right woman it’s just that person isn’t me.

That won’t change tomorrow, next week, months or decades from now. The only course of action is to let me go. Go cold turkey, stop looking at my blog, as the personal details of whom I’m dating shouldn’t be of any concern to you.

To truly love someone means that you want them to be happy, even if it means forsaking your own happiness. Sadly, very few people I’ve met are emotionally intelligent enough to understand this concept. Selfishness is about how you feel, doing what’s best for you, and not giving a damn about the other person’s thoughts. Ponder on this.

I’m grieving the death of my friend, I don’t need any more stress in my life.

I wish you every success and happiness in life. Please I’m begging you, from one decent human being to another, stop.

Goodbye.

Funeral: the final goodbye

Dear Rich,

I’ve been somewhat out of sorts since hearing the news of your death. I guess, I’m privately grieving.

Your funeral was delayed for two weeks until they completed the post-mortem. The hospital wanted to investigate what went wrong after your heart operation, as a means of learning from it for subsequent patients. Knowing how kind your heart was, I’m sure you would feel it was a good thing if it offers the opportunity to save other people’s lives in the future.

It was a strain on your family & friends who were waiting to say their goodbyes. When the day came, I went with a heavy heart. I didn’t think I could go through all that sadness again so soon, first dad, then Nella, and finally you, all in the space of just under three years. 

The church was bursting at the seams. I’d hazard a guess that there were around 300 people that paid their respects. A lot of tears were shed, it was clear you were very loved by all those that had the pleasure of knowing you. 

Two people told me that you loved me. Raja said that it was obvious, that whenever I walked in, your eyes would follow me and you’d smile. You could never tell me how you felt, but deep down a woman knows, especially that day a couple of years ago when Jason kissed me after our first date. I could see your face in the corner of my eye, you looked unhappy. 

The funeral gave me the opportunity to reflect on the good times we shared. I still can’t forget when I told you Tony (in his 70’s) had a crush on me. One day, he told me he knew the number of a great plastic surgeon, so that I could get bigger boobs, then proceeded to provocatively whack me with his walking stick on my bottom, all in broad daylight on my way to Sainsburys! Me being reserved and polite was shocked at his behaviour, but you just burst into fits of laughter, which was so infectious I was pretty much in stitches :) 

There were also memories of your true friendship during the dark time in my life. I wasn’t able to confide in anyone my feelings, only those that have lost someone would understand, which you did. I found comfort that you said time was a great healer, which I now concede is true. You always took time to talk to me, that act of kindness touched me.

The world you left behind is a sad one filled with ugly hearts and minds. There was a recent terrorist attack in France, it was heart breaking reading those that lost their loved ones. To lose anyone is a tragedy, but this went beyond comprehension, this was senseless killing. 

It’s been a sombre time trying to make sense of the meaning of life. One minute you’re here, next minute you’re gone. Why do we go through life experiencing happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, hate, hurt, depression, only for it to all end with such finality? I wish someone could tell me the answer…

Right now, I’m opening a new chapter in my life. There’s a small window still for having children, that I’m conscious of. There’s this guy who’s been waiting over three years to be with me. I’ve kept my distance, as I needed time to grieve, and that I could only do alone. He’s a decade older, divorced with two children, whom he adores. Something struck me about what he said when we went for dinner. That I always choose the guys that won’t give me what I want, that on some conscious level, it’s done deliberately, so I don’t move on with my life.

He on the other hand said he would give me the family I’ve a always wanted, even if it’s an extended one, he’s got a lot of love to share. I’ve never trusted mostly those I’ve dated thus far, but he’s genuine, I feel comfortable around him. Also, he’s at the same place as me, no ex hang ups, ready to create a longterm relationship.

He’s definitely drawing me closer to him. I just need time to process it all, he’s been patiently waiting so far. I can’t believe someone loves me that much they’ve remained celibate for three years, all because of me. A rare thing to find in a man. What makes someone love enough to put their life on hold? He asked how long would I need to date him until I wanted a baby. I said a few months, and he didn’t flinch. He will give me what I want. 

We shall see what the future holds. If I can have one child, I’d be incredibly grateful. More children is unlikely now, but I shouldn’t allow myself to wallow in self-pity over having left it this late. I must accept responsibility for the poor dating choices I’ve made. 

You only have to look around and see how short life is. If we ended up together, it wouldn’t have lasted a lifetime, even when you’ve found true love, you can’t predict how long they are going to be around for. On a cheerier note, I realised that to leave this world having left a positive impact on people is the best way to have lived, you did that. Be proud of what an awesome guy you were.

Can’t believe I’ll never see you again. There’s been a lot of tears these past few weeks. 

Sleep well, and perhaps we’ll meet again someday.

Love,

Abi xxx

Quora Question: Have you ever left a date midway?

Before I begin, I want to make clear that apart from this one time, I would never get up and leave without good reason. Even most recently when one of my colleagues went to the trouble of organising a night at the opera, everyone else bailed during various stages of the performance, but I stayed for the duration. When my colleague asked if I would go too, I simply told him that although it was an awful play giving me a migraine, I wasn’t abandoning him.

Anyone that has been on an internet date can relate to the issues that arise when meeting a stranger for the first time. This goes back years ago, I was 20, and had joined match.com. At that point, I was incredibly shy, never had a boyfriend before. My profile had respectable photos of me, and I made the effort of writing more than a few lines.

This man sends me a message, we communicate back and forth (nothing remotely suggestive), and eventually plan to meet up. It transpired that we lived two streets away from each other, so we met at a pub mid-way between us. I don’t drink alcohol, but he offers to buy me an orange juice, we sit and chat. At first he appears charming, confident, chatty, the complete opposite to me at that age. He proceeds to drink a few beers. Then randomly the conversation takes a turn. Him: “Drink up, let’s go back to mine.” Me (nervous): “I think that’s far too soon, I don’t know you at all.” Him: “If you don’t come back, don’t expect a second date.”

Wow! What an arrogant, obnoxious twat. I calmly got up, took £10 out of my purse and put it on the table (I didn’t want to “owe” him anything). I walked out. Funny thing was, he tried to contact me again, but his attempts were ignored.

Even a few years ago, he sent me a message, I didn’t even read it. Despite all those years that had passed, first impressions count, and my memory hadn’t forgotten him.

There’s a twist to the story, which was to make my skin crawl.

Four years ago, I was reading the newspaper, there was an article on him. He had been convicted of raping women (spanning years – one brave woman who he assaulted came forward, others were too scared initially, but then followed suit) and was jailed for life. It came as a shock, because this guy had it all, a lifestyle most would envy. A banker, earning six figures, his own home in a nice area. Yet, he had a dark side, controlling women to think they were beneath him.

I honestly didn’t think he was capable of that, but why would I? Despite the naivety of my youth, thank god, I didn’t drink alcohol, and had enough self-respect to instinctively walk away when someone spoke to me like he was in charge.

Be careful of meeting strangers, always tell a friend whom you’re meeting, and don’t get yourself drunk that you’re in a vulnerable position. I read recently that a teacher was murdered last year by their match date!

Abi

Quora Question: The only woman I’ve ever fell for doesn’t want me. How can I make her feel like I do?

I’ve been crazy about this woman for years, we went on a few dates, but then she became distant and I had to push to get her to see me. Now she says I shouldn’t put my life on hold, as she’s not ready for anything. I don’t like any other woman. I tried turning up at her work, her home, but she gets really awkward. Do women like persistence?

Dear Anonymous,

Whoa there, you turned up at her work and home unannounced, do you think this is normal behaviour?

Now I’ve scolded you for that, let’s get to the crux of your dilemma. I’m going to let you into a secret women won’t tell you. If she really likes a guy, she will continue to go on dates with him, period. If after a few, you don’t hear from her, it’s means she’s not particularly interested in pursuing things further. Women find being direct hard, because they don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, so they withdraw and hope they pick up on the signals.

It seems some men confuse this ‘take a hint’ lack of interest signal as ‘she wants me to chase her’

It’s possible that if you pursue intently enough, she may fall for you, but be warned, the attraction element maybe missing, and it becomes a one-sided relationship.

Kudos to her for being straight with you after a couple of dates. Rather than string you along further, she told you to not wait for her

Being pushy and not respecting her decision is one thing, but stalking her at work & where she lives is damn right disgraceful. Pull your socks up, and listen up dude, stop thinking you know what’s best for her. She knows her own mind, and wants to move on, you’re not right for her. It’s a hard part of life realising that the people we fall for don’t always feel the same way. You can’t control or make feelings happen for her. 

You’re contradicting yourself by saying that no other woman makes you feel the way she does. If that were true, then shoe on the other foot, if a woman liked you, but you had no desire to forge a future together, it would be OK for her to harass you without your consent?

Someone has to tell you straight for fear that you will get yourself into a lot of trouble. There’s a fine line between showing keenness and becoming obcessed. Do you want her to get a restraining order, because that’s where you’re heading sunshine. 

Take my advice, as a woman who’s had to deal with men like you, including ex’s I haven’t seen in many years, who think it’s ok to keep my number and send me random messages. This is what you do:

  • Delete her number and any other contact info from your phone
  • Delete any past email correspondence between you
  • Keep your mind preoccupied, so you don’t ‘online stalk her’ by looking at her social media accounts
  • Never turn up to a woman’s place of work or residence unannounced
  • Take time out and pursue interests 
  • Don’t whine or mope around, deal with it and start dating again

Contrary to this widely held delusional belief that there’s only one person you’ll ever fall for, the reality is that it’s simply bull s***!

My dad re-married my mum after having his heart broken, and he admitted he was extremely lucky to find such a warm loving person. My brother broke up with his ex of five years, but went on to marry the only woman that I considered a complete package for him. There are other people out there…

For God’s sake, have an ounce of self-respect. If you really love someone, you will sacrifice your own happiness for theirs, even if it means they are with someone else. Life’s too short to chase after something that only exists in your mind and not theirs…

Best wishes,

Abi 

Quora Question: Who is the most attractive man in the world? 

Hmmmmmmmm…..

In all seriousness, I still very rarely find that many men in the public eye attractive. Beauty is subjective, and my tastes are eclectic. Unlike most men who can just look at a woman and be instantly attracted, my brain doesn’t seem to work that way!

Personality (when someone I rate is smart & highly likeable) is a must that alone will suffice, but without that a man’s exterior is irrelevant.

Drum roll, please😉

There can be only one. My chosen man has all of the good personality traits that I value. He’s not some hunky A-lister and neither does he belong to a boyband.

However, for once, I think I won’t be alone in my choice, I imagine this guy has captivated many women across the world. 

He’s smart (degree in engineering)

He’s taught children Maths 

He’s humble (he handed out winter coats to Syrian refugees)

He’s gorgeous (I can’t deny that)

He’s got charisma

He’s really good at Bhangra dancing

Justin dancing video

He’s very likeable

Who thought politics could make me so hot under the collar. He’s the world’s sexiest leader hands down.

It’s Justin Trudeau, Canada’s Prime minister.


Oh Justin, thanks for allowing us women to have some eye candy for a change. That collar is putting some thoughts into my head😉


What makes someone handsome is the complete package of beauty & brains, it’s not all about flexing your muscles (stop showing off Justin, we know you have a hot body!), we want more than just a pretty face.

Thanks for the A2A.

Kind regards,

Abi

Quora Question: Please help, I feel like I’m never going to be as important to my girlfriend as her ex.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three and a half years. Her previous relationship was with her first ever boyfriend. He split up with her, and broke her heart, but they still keep in touch. I know I will never replace the love she feels for her ex, it makes me feel insecure :( 

My Answer:

Oh dear😦 I can certainly relate to how you’re feeling.

The first person I fell really strongly for was over a decade ago. He came out of a longterm relationship, but to my discomfort also kept in touch with his ex. I will throw him a bone, he was always honest about it. I split up with him over it, then they got back together. A few years later they split again, and he intently pursued me saying he never forgot how kind I was. Anyway, his ex started contacting him again, and that was it, I walked away. 

Funny thing was the reason he split with her first time was because she was messaging other men on Facebook. Second time, she treated him like dirt in front of her friends. I don’t like a man or woman to have no self-respect, it’s the number one most unattractive trait a potential partner can have. He was letting her treat him badly.

Despite this, they ended up getting married and having children. I heard from a mutual friend, who doesn’t like her, that she still makes him unhappy at times, but do you know what, I never once was jealous. Sure, I was hurt, more about feeling used, but if being with his ex is what made him happy, then good luck to him. He has his family. 

In certain circumstances, if a couple splits and they either have children, or the relationship wasn’t working for both of them, then remaining in contact as friends is fine. There’s no threat to subsequent new partners for both of them.

Clearly in your case, your girlfriend still holds a candle for her ex. A decent person would cut contact and move on with their lives, and show some respect to their new partner. No one wants to be second option, in case her ex decides he wants her back. Then you’re dropped like a sack of potatoes. Nah, no thanks, is what you should be thinking. I’ve met both guys and girls like this, and they’re what I call emotionally unavailable.

She may not be intentionally using you, but be cautious. Tell her honestly how insecure she is making you feel. If she disregards your feelings, move on.

No one wants to date someone who’s not over their ex years later! People like that are selfish in my opinion. Don’t feel sad, I would rather be you than her pining after a guy, who lets be honest if he really wanted to be with her would. She’s delusional, if her ex really loved her, would he split from her for years? 

She shouldn’t be in a relationship until she’s ready! If you’re really in love with your ex still, would you be f***ing another person in the meantime? No, you’d stay celibate, that’s a test of real love. 

Golden rule in life, never bring s*** to anyone’s doorstep, it’s an incredibly unkind thing to do.

There are loads of lovely girls in the world that will treat you better, go find one…

Best wishes,

Abi x

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